Cries of the Conch Shells Part Two

My story doesn’t end here. It’s a much emotional journey to be a part of the family that makes you strong and weak for being with or without them at the same time. You may not know where it may lead you to when you actually think of serving them. One can dive into series of troubles just to make things right. I mean, Have you ever gone to the extent of sacrificing the best of the luxuries you might afford just to live a minute of pensive reality with the ones you love. No, if I must add to the fact, someday you might know how important it was to be a part of something and fear of losing it forever will trigger your dopamine’s to the extreme levels.

Kolkata, a city that I used to live in once, has now become a once in a year tour destination for me.

18^th August, 2013 Time: 20:02 Hrs.

That day, I went back to my workplace after celebrating a long Independence day. Since, 14^th August uptill 18^th August, 2013. Neither that evening was comforting nor the bus ride from Haryana, Panipat back to Punjab, Rajpura. Something was fishy. I kept my earpieces plugged in and music kept playing all along the road. Usually I choose to read some book when I’m on a long bus ride or train. That day, I found myself so unwantedly depressed and gloomy when I boarded the bus. It seemed rather unwanting reason for me to be happy or rather it was something people may say intuition but my fear got the realization when I reached Punjab and was in my flat.

My dad called me up and asked me in a hurly burly state to pack my bags the very next morning and come back home. The next time my mom calls me up and breaks me the news that her father is not well and might not be able to hold on for long. I didn’t know neither did she that my Nanu left us forever. The time she speaks I could hear a silent sobbing in her voice that doesn’t really gets out but that fear and pain had enough impact on me to make me cry. After an hour or so, she calls up again but this time she knows my Nanu is no more with us. That really struck a pain right through my heart.

A panorama of memories and stories I have heard of him from my mother flashed in a scenic way. With the tear hugged eyelids and hazy reality I saw the man my mother wanted me to be like. A man of sobriety, courage, discipline and character. He was a man I’ve always looked up to but hardly tried to walk on his footsteps for that was too uncomfortable and full of dedication for a guy like me. But that didn’t lessen my respect for him. Even when he lost himself long time back, he still held onto to his disciplined routine.

24^th August , 2013 Time: 00:22Hrs.

By the time I write this blog I’ve grown used to the loss. To tell you the truth, my Nanu lost his sense of reality and his beautiful mind kept playing games with him after he turned 94 on 2008. The loss isn’t just feeling of belonging or the sense of shared moments but it was quite heart throbbing and terrifying at times when he tried to act like he’d be in his early twenties’ with the body of ninety years old. My mother sometimes had put forward her own theory behind all the innocently wishful and ignorantly naughty acts. She said that his soul might now wants salvation but it cannot do so. Something is hindering his way, she suggested that we might do some peace offerings to our forefathers before we pray for his wellness. Not that it was a little superstitious but when I started looking over for some real facts behind it. I was convinced that this might be the sole reason for his sufferings. But no matter how selflessly we pray for the old man’s mukti, we know the pain in our hearts when that holy soul bereaves us. It’s not the loss of a father or grandpa but it’s a loss of the only opportunity that we, my mother and I, might have had to share a quality time with him. In my memory, I don’t know the last time when I had a talk with my Nanu in senses. In a couple of my last visits, he didn’t even recognize me even before that he could barely point me out and after a few people insisted he could prompt my name out, the name with which he used to call me when I was an infant, “Kotha-Bola-Gouranga (His Talkative Gauranga).” Gouranga or Chaitanya Mahaprabhu is our Kul-Deva, the clan to which my father belongs to worships him as the Holy Soul leader. The only intimate moments between me and my Nanu are the ones I was told by my mother because those were the times when I was barely 3-4 years old and I don’t remember a bit of him.

24^th August, 2013 Time: 01:00Hrs.

The time when my mother informed me about the infirm condition of my Nanu. That news scared me, I thought that I could not be able to see him again. I had it in my mind that if there is a bad news today then the probability of seeing him turns in fractions of zero’s. After all, at the age of ninety we don’t expect any more sufferings to our loved one. He served all his life to raise his children well and decent. They may not be rich with Nickels but they are richer with their affections and selfless love and actions so pure that anybody could point out the children raised by Sudhanshu Kanjilal, yes My Nanu. Well, the time I got scared by the news and nothing seemed to calm me, the fear of losing everybody one by one with time started to engulf me. I went in a low note when I said to myself, every man’s destiny has been written even before he gets born, With this feeling of security in my heart that everything here was and is being written by destiny then nothing we do can change it and all we can do is to make the maximum out of our relationships. I picked up my phone and called up my Dadu and Amma. One thing I must tell you, no matter how hard it is for me to live alone I never let my emotions go weak by calling my old folks. Because each time I stay with them or talk to them I don’t feel like going away or concluding the call even if I have nothing to say. But this time I realized that this is all left with us in this High Def version of our lives. We have more security added to our lifestyles than to our lives. Easy communications in business have taken our personal space and consumed the ease of the time we can share with our loved ones. The filthy politics at our jobs have adulterated our lives with worries. These things have summed up closely, stacked up and put all together on us keeping us delusive and deranged right from the beginning.