When it's time!

Dear Reader,

I don't think I'd need to reload the facts of life before I jump on to this piece. This is just going to be a one way sharing that how ruined one can feel if kept bereft of one's Self-Respect.

One knows that some day one has to snatch away one's piece of happiness, power and most important Respect. I believe, in order to live in this world it was never always about happiness or power but respect. It was the search of respect that dragged men in every century to the lowest form of acts just to get a taste of it like a drag of smack. So far, I've lived oblivious of its need. However, like any other man on planet, I couldn't stay out of its drag and it intoxicated me finally, injecting it into my desires of basic survival tool. Sometimes, I wonder if it is so bad to demand for respect? Or is it the means to acquire that is wrong?

All I know is that to acquire you need a means and it is the result that matters. You can't ask for it, you can snatch it. Prove the men who will try to tear you down with the strength of your own.

There will be a happy ending to my quest as well, I have already registered my soul in the search of true RESPECT.

The Bereaved Joy

Sitting in the middle of a vast green land with kids all around playing and laughing out loud at their moments of carefree joy, when I can pretend to lose my memories and be moved by those innocent laughter of kids playing around.
Even when there is nothing positive to hold on, you can always turn to holding on to the kid inside you and you will find how beautiful it makes you feel. In this walk to adulthood, there are times when you actually think you want to be kept protected from those who keep pushing your strength low. Someone who can make you see the silver lining from within, your darkest closet is no more the safe haven but the compassion of that one person.
But what if, that special soul leaves you in the middle of the crossroad and expect you to deal with everything on your own. That is the time of self reclusion.

The Run before her Wedding-2

She was just getting settled in his life after graduating as an Engineer. She didn't want to be a burden on anybody as soon as she ended those final days of college. Saying goodbye to an old college life and hello to reality. It was a but awkward to her that how politics could run the game even in this small scale miniature life of her. She was just recruited and also had her own self established freelance services going. She was happy. It was a year later that she could actually see herself on a promising situation that most of her batch mates would envy. She, on the other hand saw things little different. She always cared for people who have been through a lot. Thinking that it's her job to help them overcome their misery but little did she know that this was stupid. Having good caring friends' circle and atmosphere at home didn't allow to serve at the minutest part of the outdoor reality. She took everything good for granted. When now, she started different, she could give almost anything to see people being nice to her. On job politics ate her entire confidence but she build it up for herself each day everyday. She was just passing her days alone, not that she didn't have friends but because she wanted her crush back. Her crush turned boyfriend who she turned down for a bigger good. She knew had done the right thing but now she was alone. Little she knew that back in those days when her two best friends would cheer her up keep her out of misery will be no longer together but she could pass it over easily. Reading to her favorite author, thinking about one the beautiful character she might play in his novels and get her prince charming.
Silly little girl, wanted everything the way she needed.

The Run before Her Wedding-1

It wasn't easy but time passed by with ticking clocks and brushing cool breeze on his tear sobbed face. He was standing in the darkest night of all times or his pain shuddered his eyesight to get the trace of those flickering distant candles burning in peace up above so high in the sky. He was obviously nauseous, shutting himself down to any logical reason that may come to him. That's obvious, for a fresh heart break, for a new found love that is there no more. He wasn't a sadist but certainly enjoyed the pity that a cleaved and betrayed heart must feel.
He just got off the one hour long call from a happy chat that went for more than days and it was about to complete its one month the next day. He was dumped. He cared nothing now, he wanted a plain answer from his One Love but she didn't answer. He knew that she wants himself to figure it out. And he also knows that it was all his fault if he chooses her point of view but he was helpless. He couldn't work out the details and kept on crying over the roof with sobbed face and wind brushing his face dry and the only other sound he heard was the tick of the wrist watch he was gifted. Gifted by her..!
He retired for the night alone. He was lonely within and thought it was better not to bother anybody else but to stay put. Least did he know, what he was doing was only damaging his mind, body and soul.
Days went by and each day he tried to seek another chance, just a way to get back with her. He knew she wants answers, results to be more precise which even she knew wasn't possible for him to give.
But he tried each day to convince her somehow that she's all that he had to be called his own, his love.
But she didn't melt. Her decision was firm now, her heart was cold to hear out any warm feelings he had for her.
And finally, they broke apart.
Story begins from this Cleaving Reality.

Cries of the Conch Shells Part Two

My story doesn’t end here. It’s a much emotional journey to be a part of the family that makes you strong and weak for being with or without them at the same time. You may not know where it may lead you to when you actually think of serving them. One can dive into series of troubles just to make things right. I mean, Have you ever gone to the extent of sacrificing the best of the luxuries you might afford just to live a minute of pensive reality with the ones you love. No, if I must add to the fact, someday you might know how important it was to be a part of something and fear of losing it forever will trigger your dopamine’s to the extreme levels.

Kolkata, a city that I used to live in once, has now become a once in a year tour destination for me.

18^th August, 2013 Time: 20:02 Hrs.

That day, I went back to my workplace after celebrating a long Independence day. Since, 14^th August uptill 18^th August, 2013. Neither that evening was comforting nor the bus ride from Haryana, Panipat back to Punjab, Rajpura. Something was fishy. I kept my earpieces plugged in and music kept playing all along the road. Usually I choose to read some book when I’m on a long bus ride or train. That day, I found myself so unwantedly depressed and gloomy when I boarded the bus. It seemed rather unwanting reason for me to be happy or rather it was something people may say intuition but my fear got the realization when I reached Punjab and was in my flat.

My dad called me up and asked me in a hurly burly state to pack my bags the very next morning and come back home. The next time my mom calls me up and breaks me the news that her father is not well and might not be able to hold on for long. I didn’t know neither did she that my Nanu left us forever. The time she speaks I could hear a silent sobbing in her voice that doesn’t really gets out but that fear and pain had enough impact on me to make me cry. After an hour or so, she calls up again but this time she knows my Nanu is no more with us. That really struck a pain right through my heart.

A panorama of memories and stories I have heard of him from my mother flashed in a scenic way. With the tear hugged eyelids and hazy reality I saw the man my mother wanted me to be like. A man of sobriety, courage, discipline and character. He was a man I’ve always looked up to but hardly tried to walk on his footsteps for that was too uncomfortable and full of dedication for a guy like me. But that didn’t lessen my respect for him. Even when he lost himself long time back, he still held onto to his disciplined routine.

24^th August , 2013 Time: 00:22Hrs.

By the time I write this blog I’ve grown used to the loss. To tell you the truth, my Nanu lost his sense of reality and his beautiful mind kept playing games with him after he turned 94 on 2008. The loss isn’t just feeling of belonging or the sense of shared moments but it was quite heart throbbing and terrifying at times when he tried to act like he’d be in his early twenties’ with the body of ninety years old. My mother sometimes had put forward her own theory behind all the innocently wishful and ignorantly naughty acts. She said that his soul might now wants salvation but it cannot do so. Something is hindering his way, she suggested that we might do some peace offerings to our forefathers before we pray for his wellness. Not that it was a little superstitious but when I started looking over for some real facts behind it. I was convinced that this might be the sole reason for his sufferings. But no matter how selflessly we pray for the old man’s mukti, we know the pain in our hearts when that holy soul bereaves us. It’s not the loss of a father or grandpa but it’s a loss of the only opportunity that we, my mother and I, might have had to share a quality time with him. In my memory, I don’t know the last time when I had a talk with my Nanu in senses. In a couple of my last visits, he didn’t even recognize me even before that he could barely point me out and after a few people insisted he could prompt my name out, the name with which he used to call me when I was an infant, “Kotha-Bola-Gouranga (His Talkative Gauranga).” Gouranga or Chaitanya Mahaprabhu is our Kul-Deva, the clan to which my father belongs to worships him as the Holy Soul leader. The only intimate moments between me and my Nanu are the ones I was told by my mother because those were the times when I was barely 3-4 years old and I don’t remember a bit of him.

24^th August, 2013 Time: 01:00Hrs.

The time when my mother informed me about the infirm condition of my Nanu. That news scared me, I thought that I could not be able to see him again. I had it in my mind that if there is a bad news today then the probability of seeing him turns in fractions of zero’s. After all, at the age of ninety we don’t expect any more sufferings to our loved one. He served all his life to raise his children well and decent. They may not be rich with Nickels but they are richer with their affections and selfless love and actions so pure that anybody could point out the children raised by Sudhanshu Kanjilal, yes My Nanu. Well, the time I got scared by the news and nothing seemed to calm me, the fear of losing everybody one by one with time started to engulf me. I went in a low note when I said to myself, every man’s destiny has been written even before he gets born, With this feeling of security in my heart that everything here was and is being written by destiny then nothing we do can change it and all we can do is to make the maximum out of our relationships. I picked up my phone and called up my Dadu and Amma. One thing I must tell you, no matter how hard it is for me to live alone I never let my emotions go weak by calling my old folks. Because each time I stay with them or talk to them I don’t feel like going away or concluding the call even if I have nothing to say. But this time I realized that this is all left with us in this High Def version of our lives. We have more security added to our lifestyles than to our lives. Easy communications in business have taken our personal space and consumed the ease of the time we can share with our loved ones. The filthy politics at our jobs have adulterated our lives with worries. These things have summed up closely, stacked up and put all together on us keeping us delusive and deranged right from the beginning.

Chemical Locha!!

When you know you can never choose between the two.
When the dilemma is not about the good and the right.
When it has no argument, no logic to circumscribe the need of the hour.
When Your mind and heart is consumed with the selfishness of acting selfless.
Then it's only better to let it go.
Better let fate choose the path for you.
Be it the road less traveled, the dead end of your journey of life Or be it the new beginning with new people, new hearts with new hopes and with new love.
In either way, you'll get the peace of your heart eventually.
For Me, I'm still waiting for that peace. The peace to cover my aching heart. I doubt, if there would be any new beginning for me or will I end up losing my nerves to this trick of chemicals in my brain.

Arabian nights-Castilian Days

In a soothing calm chilled breeze of early winter days. I found you. I had no idea that the picture I had in my imagination would be painted so real so perfect and that be crafted in the most confident styles of GOD. It is like the colors of dawn and the sprinting lights of Prussian Blue.

A desert so deserted and wretched is now the haven of love and peace dwelling inside the hearts have not dared to rebel for more . They knew that it was more than anything they can get from their life.

You had an angelic smile and when I faced you for the first time, I knew something was meant for us. The heaven conspired us to be together in every possible ways but I had with me more love than what was inspired and inception of heaven.

In a place with no ease and luxury of life, you bloomed out of pretty and eventually to a gorgeous anatomy of rose bud to my darling rose.

That love kept us going till now and the lamp lit with this omniscient light of love never flickers with the blowing wind but now it's trying to quench its flame, consume everything that comes it's way and destroy the devilry. The devilry of emptiness and scorching, gouging the peace hunting tick. 

Waking up in the morning, mild streak of early dawn sunlight lightening the room. Looking over your shoulder, a bottle of wine, sparkling drops inside and light streaming through them. The joy I find within when my gaze is divided onto your entrusting calm smile and the joyous shimmering light of Prussian Blue.

This gaze has something very special in itself. Something I would like to capture but be in its captivity forever.

Someone to love and the moments growing lovelier isn't what God always blesses you with but in my dreams. Dreams of Blue- I'm one departed soul being a part of your own.

Chrushed in Fathom!!

Grounds dug deep into swirling dark chambers which interests historians and novelists like Dan Brown. I travel through those galleries, unravelling what seems to me as the archaic encryption of Greeks or Mayans. My eyes gouging every nook and cranny, searching for some lost symbols. But in that eerie dark tunnel with a hint of chilling icy cold wind gushing on my face out of nowhere I manage to keep my torch lit up and using the warmth of the fire to keep me going under for more.
After about half a mile, I stumble upon a dead carcass of a dog which seems decades old. Curious of this member of the human friendly species, I crouched over to look closer. To my surprise I found a gold locket on the collar of the dog like a sprocket with it's spurs crooked in a one direction. I picked it up to look closely. Good heavens! It had my initials over it 'Z'. Goose bumps chilled me down to the bones and I ran forward, deeper into the tunnel to seek some answers.
I ran into endless pit which had a deeper grave dug right in it's way to trap. I fell into the even more dark, darker than darkness could be imagined, and it occured to me that I didn't stop and I'm still falling. Loss of sight and nothing to hear into that freakingly haunted cave kept my mind swirling. My brain now needed a trail of light to survive, not gas not water but light. My heart stopped beating mid way of my fall and I leapt out of my bed sweating profusely. My pulse was high and my brain was still nauseous of the dream. It had nomeaning but it was haunting. I was bereft of my support, I was bereft of someone I always wanted. If only, they knew. I'm still waiting.

The Silly "We"

The skies have grown pale gray,

Clouds commemorating on my proposed grave.

I kept walking with my feet unnaturally heavy with the sounds of her laughter.

I hear sounds of the falling dried leaves dragged with the chilly cold wind,

brings me back from vacuum of thoughts.

On either side of the ghastly empty road that leads nowhere.

In this God forsaken place and silence like that in a graveyard, my heart pounds and thuds heavily rendering me breathless.

The science of a supernova to the creation of a black hole is the realization now that I have within.

Words simply don't explain the actual feeling except that you can say the heart figuratively seems to bleed black in gloom and you don't seem to absorb anything that is happening outside the domain of your physical existence. Your body is just a medium of your identity but at this point of time you must have clearly found that your soul is clenched tightly within and the light, it radiated once when you were in the arms of your love, is now fluttering and struggling to live with the memories she left in your heart. Every breathe you take is out of a obligation to keep your metabolically strong body alive but your mind never asks the same. There is a constant fight to be or not to be in this world where now you find nothing with a meaning.

I remember well how we started talking to each other and ever since we never stopped. Through good turns and bad, we drifted swiftly and trust was the benchmark, the backbone of our relationship.

A girl so cute and so adorable, I kept on asking me if I can ever be worth her love. Will she ever accept if I proposed. Without knowing that she had a feeling for me just the same as I had since I saw her. I felt like my wishes couldn't have been heard better than this has been granted. We both were so alike, it felt as if the heavens have conspired to bring us closer, she was so comfortable with 'us' like Iandnbsp;couldn'tandnbsp;just wish.

But now everything turned blue and darkness have clawed around me

She left me, says that she doesn't love me anymore. She says that months of compromise have worn her gold gilded heart off love and all that is left for me is 'nothing'. She knows that she will get over me soon enough but she hardly knows that I have gifted my heart to her as a token of my love, my adoration. She might stomp it, kick it, break into as many pieces she wants but everything she does brings this crazy lover deeper into her. How can I say how hurt I am when I will not be heard at all. She denied my entry into her heart and mind.

I can just wish. Come back to me please!!

Tum ho..

Dil se dekha toh nayab lge tum,
Chahat se chaha toh pyaare lage tum,
Pyar se dulaara toh apne lage tum..
Jab koi paas na tha tb jo na tha pukara
woh tha tumhara..
Kaise na chahun tumko, kaise na niharun tumko.. Jis roop ko tha dekha khabo-n mei woh aaj hai tum mei paya..!

Rejuveniated Love

Days went by and leaves fell on the ground. The painting I started with the brush picked in my head picking up the colors from the meadow at sunset. Never before, had it been this beautiful. The shades of orange darkening, mixed burgundy, cleaved the riffs and I stood there calm and quiet in the support of the tall pine tree.

Looking over the cliff there comes to me an urge to sneak out and snare, jump out and dare with a free fall, deep down the site. With y eyes closed and the memory of the most soothing sight in my heart filling my heart with an insatiable sense of salvation. My expectations and aspiration from life seemed hollow. All that I once promised to myself seemed fake. The nature suddenly seemed to be hand-in-glove with the Satan. Conspiring against my life, willing to take me away forcing not by force but by pure seduction.

When suddenly, I hear you call me out.

 And when I turned around, I see you. You reigning down the row of the tall pine trees in the mystic misty forest like a legacy of beauty, a legendary elvish woman. Dressed in pure white descending and making your way through the layer of concentrated white smoke which seemed as if strategically laid down to welcome you. Carefully watching your steps the way down. You stole a look on me with that same innocent smile on your face, stole my heart out.

Then I tried to contemplate back in the logic of my thoughts, the way I accused nature to conspire against me seemed plainly foolish. There was nothing more soothing than putting an arm around your shoulder standing there over a cliff enjoying the finale lights of the day in a soothing autumn dusk in Darjeeling.

La Carta de mi futuro!

Dear Future!

When I look back at the timeline I really wish there should've been an undo button to help me undone all my mistakes, all my decisions which were impulsive and insincere.

Sincerely,
Present.

For you!

I saw you by the sea shore early in the morning,
Draped with saffron light on your shoulders with a zing,
That sparkling white gown with charm of your youth and vanity,
I saw you elegantly contemplating your thoughts oblivious of me.
I smiled, having looked at your adoration of nature with contending smile,
I wish the sight so mesmerizing, so adorable shall stand still
if not forever atleast for while.
You picked up the seashell and held it so close,
I was jealous for what I wished only my heart knows.
You saw me looking at you, you smiled back to me
It felt that this expression of joy was an emotion meant only to be seen in you,

You came near me,
I can see the breeze be jealous of me,
Your locks drifts with the wind with some beautiful curls on your cute young face,
Radiates freshness for which I couldn't help,
But grab you in my arms with kinder shrug and a tighter hugg.